Waiting room etiquette

This is how you do it.

This is how you do it.

Speaking of manners…

I despise waiting rooms. It might be because I’m overly patient and usually wait a very long time before speaking up and saying, “How much longer until I’m seen?” It’s because I’ve worked on the other side of the desk for a long time, and I sympathize. So, I wait.

But, the real reason I loathe waiting rooms is because of the poor behavior a lot of folks exhibit. I’m not sure why it’s so difficult for some people to just sit quietly and not be a bother to others, but apparently it is. So, here are some of my very basic, common sense, easy-to-follow rules:

No running around, kiddos! Parents: It’s not a park, and the people waiting are not free babysitting while you play Panda Pop.

No gum snapping. This isn’t 1986, even if your bangs suggest otherwise.

No eating — that’s just gross and no one wants to watch you eat or smell your food.

No loud talking — no one cares about your life problems and you’re not doing a stand-up comedy routine so sit down, Brenda. The receptionist doesn’t want to talk to you, either.

Take your phone off speaker if you must take that important call from your friend who doesn’t work because she sprained her ankle 15 years ago and so she’s home watching Days of Our Lives and there’s a commercial break so she’s bored and wants to know what you’re doing and what you did last night. See above reason, as well.

Silence your phone. Especially if your ringtone is Nickelback. Or Black Eyed Peas.

No blowing your nose constantly and then touching allllll the magazines (or any, really).

Please don’t let your sick child come near my well child. I might be patient when it comes to waiting my turn, but my mama bear claws will come out and you will be the salmon I have for dinner.

No complaining about how long you’ve been waiting when there are people who’ve been waiting longer than you. Are you that oblivious? Also, maybe you shouldn’t have showed up 10 minutes late.

Take your feet off the chairs, Steve. This isn’t your living room. Sorry your wife dragged you to this appointment, but could you not act like a 12-year-old?

My goodness, whooooo sprayed their entire bottle of Curious by Britney Spears perfume before they left the house?

Don’t give other people waiting medical advice. Oh, really Karen — there’s an oil for that? Well, golly gee whiz! Why are we wasting our time seeing the person who actually went to medical school for 22 years when we should have just asked you about your essential oil pyramid scheme business.

That’s all. I mean, really — it’s not hard, right?